1. To stop Katy Perry from getting a Russell Brand manicure again.
Yes, that really happened. Katy went without Russell to the 2010 VMAs, after the two met and fell in love at the 2009 show. To keep him close, she attended the awards with Russell Brand nail art. It’s a nice tribute to their relationship…except that putting someone’s face on your fingernails is not especially attractive.
2. Katy deserves someone who won’t Tweet pictures of her first thing in the morning.
Waking up next to someone in the morning, just as you are, is a lovely, sweet thing. Having a picture of that Tweeted to the world is less sweet. In fact, it’s downright crappy. We all know Katy’s public persona is an over-the-top, make-up heavy pin-up girl. And we know she’s got skin problems from the ProActiv commercials she did. Exploiting her naked face is not an act of loving tenderness.
3. Their hair colors are no longer compatible.
Seriously, it’s a major problem! When the two became involved, their hair-dos started to look more and more alike. She had shiny black hair, he started lowering his trademark teased bouffant. By the time they got hitched in October of 2011, they practically had the same hair. But things were already going wrong when Katy dyed her hair blue for the first time in February of 2012. Since then she’s been pink, blonde, blue again, green, purple — all the colors of the rainbow. If she can’t stick with a hair color, why stick with a husband?
4. Rihanna was the maid of honor when they got married, but she didn’t show up.
That has to be a bad omen, right? Then Katy accidentally made Lindsay Lohan her maid of honor. Even worse! There’s an argument here that they should have called the whole thing off right then.
5. We all want to hear Katy’s break-up album.
She’s got Anthony Gonzalez of indie rock outfit M83 offering to write with her after she attended his set at Coachella. And she told MTV her next album will be “real f****** dark.” Sounds like it might be an Adele-style ball-buster break up album to us. Bring it on.
6. We also want to read Russell’s third autobiography.
Hey, so did you know Russell Brand has written not one but two autobiographies of his life so far? They are extremely frank, detailing his drug, drinking and sex addictions. The last one, Booky Wook 2: This Time It’s Personal ended when Brand hosted the VMAs in 2009 and meet Katy. Obviously the third edition will bring the dirt on how that worked out for him.
7. Because he filed the divorce papers and she signed with a smiley face.
We believe Cee Lo wrote a song for just that sort of occasion, but the title is not safe for work.
8. Never mind a divorce, the two already stopped following each other on Twitter. #official
After that smiley face incident, Katy unfollowed Russell on Twitter less than a month later. This was widely reported by the media, who Katy had to know would be watching. At some point between now and then, Russell quietly unfollowed her back. No more sweet Tweets while they’re apart, no more dirty direct messages. It’s a wrap.
9. Never marry anyone you meet through MTV.
Just ask Jessica Simspon and Nick Lachey. Or Dave Navarro and Carmen Electra. Or Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler. The MTV curse has been dormant for a few years, but Katy and Russell stoked the fires.
10. It’s best for celebrities to keep their marriages short and sweet — 14 months is plenty.